I’m 30 years old, and I just found out I have PCOS.

Which explains a lot, actually- including why we’re walking through infertility. Again. And finding all this out days before Mother’s Day put my heart in a strange, tangled place I don’t totally know how to describe.

On one hand, I know how blessed we are to already have our sweet, healthy 1.5-year-old. How his life came to be was no short of a miracle- literally! But it’s still hard. If you have PCOS or are dealing with infertility, I hope this post helps you feel seen, less alone and encouraged that a miracle could be right around the corner.

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Our Miracle Baby

In 2023 after many months of trying with nothing happening, I went to get checked out. My husband and I both did. I’d never get a strong color on an ovulation strip and couldn’t shake the feeling that something was off.

It should honestly be a crime to make a person wait an hour and a half at a fertility clinic, but that was my experience at every single appointment. What they found pretty quickly, between the bloodwork and an internal ultrasound, was that I essentially wasn’t ovulating. My body was trying. It just wasn’t happening.

So they prescribed Clomid to force ovulation. All I had to do was wait for my period to come and take it on day 3.

Here’s the thing: late and irregular periods have been normal my entire life. I used to take progesterone just to bring on a period because I’d go six months without one. So when I was a few days late this time, I didn’t think anything of it- except that I was impatiently waiting so I could finally start the medication.

I have no idea what made me do it, but one morning I decided to take a pregnancy test. January 10, 2024. I will never forget that day.

It was positive!

So naturally I waited a few hours and took another. And a few hours after that, a third. All positive!!!

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But God

I never needed the Clomid. The filled prescription just sat unneeded on the counter because we got pregnant without even knowing it! On paper, everything pointed to this being impossible. Without reliable ovulation, it shouldn’t have happened. But God came through before I ever needed the medicine. Right in the nick of time

I look at my little miracle boy walking around our house and I get teary. What a gift. What an absolute gift his life is.

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Fast Forward To Today

Now here’s where it gets emotionally confusing, because I’m holding two true things at once.

We’ve been praying for a second baby for months now. My cycles are getting worse, not better. The last one stretched to 50 days. And we’re staring down the same road of intervention all over again, this time with a diagnosis attached to it.

I have no idea how just now at 30 years old- is when I was diagnosed with PCOS. Having this information dropped like a bomb on me was overwhelming, confusing but also validating. Like how in the world did this not come up decades ago and also wow thank goodness what I’ve been dealing with has a name to it.

So here I am so thankful for my son. And yet I long for another baby. It hurts that we’re still not pregnant. Living in that weird messy middle. It’s one of those both of these are true kind of moments. Both experiences and feelings are true. Both co-exist. Joy and sorrow.

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No pretty bow

I don’t know how to wrap this up neatly, because I’m still processing the whole thing in real time. There’s no tidy lesson, no before-and-after, no “and then everything worked out” — at least not yet.

But I wanted to share our miracle for anyone else in the waiting. I’ve watched God do something I couldn’t explain. So I’m sitting in that, holding the joy and the ache together, and seeing what He has in store next.

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If You’re In The Waiting, Here’s Where I’d Start

I don’t have a five-step plan, because there isn’t one. But these are the small things that have actually helped me keep my head above water while we wait:

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• A verse to hold onto. These have helped me.
  • Psalm 34:18: “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted.”
  • Galatians 6:9: “Don’t grow weary in doing good, the harvest comes at the proper time if you don’t give up.”
• People who get it. Not everyone will, and that’s okay. But find the one or two friends you can be honest with- the ones who can sit in the hard with you instead of rushing you to the bright side.
• Somewhere to put the feelings. Journaling has been huge for me. Even when it’s messy and makes no sense, getting it out of my head and onto paper takes some of the weight off.
• Small things that bring you joy. A walk, a good coffee, a few minutes of something that’s just for you. Joy and grief can share the same day; let yourself have both.
• Grace for wherever you are. You don’t have to have a good attitude about it every moment of every day. You don’t have to wrap it in a bow. You’re allowed to grieve and hope at the same time. There will be grumpy moments. That’s ok. But that’s when you do the things on this list and refuse to let the grief swallow you up.

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If you’re in the waiting too- I see you. You’re not alone in this. And if you need counseling with someone who gets it, my door is always open. Reach out here